Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you,”declares the LORD,”plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
I was hugging the porcelain thrown. My world was spinning out of control and I couldn’t get it to stop. How did I end up here? That was the question running circles in my head. I wasn’t supposed to be an unmarried father at seventeen years old. I was supposed to go to college, then get married, and then have kids. Yet, here I was seventeen and a father, hugging a toilet, puking my guts out in a hospital bathroom. How did I end up here?
To answer that we have to go back a few years. In middle school I spent a large amount of time staring at a computer screen watching porn. This is not something I am proud of but it happened. Spending that time watching porn warped my mind. It trained my brain to expect girls and women to act a certain way towards me as a male. It also taught me how to treat women as an object. Porn objectifies women, so naturally people who watch porn begin to objectify other people.
I was raised in church so I knew this was wrong. I hid it from everyone in my life. I kept this secret and let it fester believing the lie I was the only one dealing with this problem. It only grew worse as I grew older. I had always planned on being a virgin when I married. I planned on that all the way up until the first time I had sex with my girlfriend.
The small choices I made along the way should have been warning signs to me. I should have heeded those warning signs. I would push the boundaries I had set for myself and my relationships. I didn’t have any self control when it came to porn. Now, I can look back and see how much those small seemingly meaningless choices matter. Each little step slightly off course eventually brought me to a place that I had not planned to reach.
Each step was just enough on course that it didn’t seem like that big of a deal at the time. After several of those steps, however, I realized I was way off course with where I wanted my life to be at the time. I would try drastic measures to get back on course but they all seemed to fall flat. I would end up back off course in a short period of time.
It wasn’t until I truly allowed God to begin to change me, instead of me changing me, that I saw results. Results that were positive. I began to seek God with all my heart, by praying regularly, reading His Word daily, and being around people who wanted to do the same.
All of this happened after I had become a teenage father. After I had sabotaged several relationships, and began to believe God was done with me. I had forgotten the dreams He had put in my heart, until I gave my heart back to Him. As of this writing, I am not where I want to be but I can say with complete honesty I am back on the path that God is leading me on.